Friday, 20 April 2018

& Sometimes I skip rehearsal 
to go to the record shop down the street
or the fortune teller down the road...

...most of the time I just go to rehearsal.

Thursday, 19 April 2018

PS. I don't mind if you're the crazy one.



"School is where we send kids to be brought up by other kids"

"I asked my housemate at the time if he wanted to help me plant grass seeds in the front. I really wanted a new lawn instead of a pile of dirt.

No that's OK, he answered, I already know how to do that sort of thing.

Right. Because that was the whole point of my asking."

"Hoping Saint Peter will let us in too.
He says if you value your life
Stay off the drugs.
If you value those drugs
Stay off the map.
If you value them maps
You better travel son.
If you don't wanna to travel
You better run."

I'm only an interesting girl, because I know the most interesting boys. His journal is still my most prized possession

well, i suppose i'll have to come clean about the bullshit i've just been through and why i haven't been able to make it there.

met a girl in late december who totally charmed me- flirting for about 2-3 hours, dancing around, asking lots of personal questions.  wouldn't leave the record shop without a hug.  got her name (i think) and didn't see her till a month later, she came in, flirted (we both claimed to have thought of the other in the month between, i know i did) and i got her e-mail (bit eccentric, claims not to have a phone.  i can believe that, believe it or not).  this all was a red flag i ignored, she's 30 to my 48 and damn cute to boot.  too good to be true.

anyway, set off a storm (110 e-mail in 42 days, back and forth), met her a few times for coffee and drinks, came by the store for the express reason to take me to dinner, a back and forth, one step up, two back, all the while me, stuck in the middle-ages, falls head over heels.  second red flag, when she was in a gregarious mood the compliments to me were over the top (your the coolest person i've ever metyou have so much to offer the world, the art of yours should be framed). coffee situation i mentioned you guys and she plots a impulsive plan to go to miami.  i'm game, travel could bring us closer, as none of this dance involved sex, and i still had hope.  i also, because she has a very secretive/mysterious persona, am trying to get to know her better...

she also has a blog, which i found out about using what little i could glean about her.  she had been using my e-mails for content (she had already told me she writes, and uses a lot of appropriation, so i didn't mind).  some of it from february is my writing, not all.  as i said, this was never told to me but rather inferred.  i texted her i liked being a character in her meta-fictional book.  no real reaction or question how i knew, a kind of indifference (well, most people don't...she said).

i had developed questions about her mental state, being once with a bi-polar girl (long ago enough i felt like another).  the way she one day was adoring to the next of cold shoulder seemed suspicious.  her secretive/mysterious persona was beginning to wear on my nerves, why hide unless you have something to hide?  i am very open and forthright, sending her clear, understandable messages of intent and infatuation, to be replied with french poetry and no answers to direct questions.  ah, c'est la vie.  (i am drinking while i write this, i hope i don't lose my sense of trying to make a long story short...).

she had told me she was a narcissist, so i read a book about it.  she had also told me my friends would tell me to get away from her as she was using me, i didn't see it then.  she knows what she is and what she does and why she does it.  a seducing narcissist, makes another fall in love with her (or him, go by her) by exaggerated attention/flattery, and when the mark is primed they reciprocate, which is the blood these vampires suck on.  i could live with that, i could spend my life with a woman who made me feel good so i made her feel good, and on and on up a sisyphean hill.  she sucked me dry (yeah, i wish) and had no further use.  i got fucked without getting fucked.  and i, (being a level headed narcissist, but narcissistic none the less) believed her exaggerations.  fuck yes, i believe i could woo a cute chick with my romantic poetic musings, she should be so lucky to be the one...

i am going to come to miami, i need a fucking holiday, but i'm coming alone.  i'd say april 4-5 to 8-9 (i will check details as it approaches).  till then record sales, randy and philippa's birthdays (we are separated but still very close friends, she gave me advice on how to deal with this chick, and is pissed off at her now.  i choose my real friends with care).

edit this before i send it.  anyway, today (ides - backstabbing time), a day we had agreed to spend together, today past proclamations are forgotten, like travel plans, and fences mended with rubble from bridges burnt just create another barrier.  she was the angel i wanted to wrestle to get to heaven.  i didn't mean to mislead you- her words - 

 i would send a photo of her, but why the fuck bother...

drunk, sad, but fuck - i feel so alive

flogging a dead horse. 

Sent from Outlook

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

It's hard to judge
When you're being

It's easy to be judged
When you are the muse.

Almost expected.

Walking through snow with the hot chick
To the French chick's apartment.

It's time our love become a flame.

Dreaming the Italian man is waiting for me
while washing my coffee maker.

I couldn't have been that bad if he's getting on a plane.

Another man questions his playlist.

Friday, 6 April 2018

You meet for drinks
With a man 10 years
Your junior yet He's
Only half convinced
You're not actually

He persuades you into
Listening to Chet Baker.
You recommend Guns
N Roses.

He says you're the most
Interesting person He's
Ever met, but isn't
Interested in
Getting to

Then there are the alumni. Fun.
The ones that are standoffish at first.
The ones whose fathers are alcoholics.
The ones who tell you things they couldn't
Even tell their best friends. Oh well. They were
Blonde with blue eyes & it was Holy Week after all.

Finally the ones who think you like them.
They buy whiskey & condoms & make jokes
About balloon animals. Their ex girlfriends run
Off with 19 year old groupies, leave them again
In the summer, but come back looking for shelter.
They like to remind him that you are the bad guy
In this story.

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Poor punctuation.

Throughout our 12 year relationship
He liked to introduce different parameters.
None of which I was completely comfortable

One morning over our double sinks
(He was shaving & I was getting pretty)
Thinking we were on top of our world,
He had the gull to suggest:

I think I'd like to take a mistress.

Really, anyone in particular?

Of course He would suggest a narcissistic Italian-
Perfect for him.

I have a suggestion.

He waits. Stunned.

Why don't I be your mistress,
& this other one can deal with the everyday shit?

"What happened next?" my analyst years later would ask.


But ever since then, I vowed never to have a relationship
that involved a double sink.

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Writer's Tears

Wallace wonders if I am in a mood.

Why Wally?
Can't I sit here alone
& order a little whiskey?

It seems problematic.

But I went to two Easter services
already this morning.

I would have started with vodka.

So I'll see you here,
Tuesday 8 AM for breakfast?

(Walter gives me a hug.)


Saturday, 31 March 2018



-private carriage
-nostalgic feeling of the familiar
-an occasion to actually turn around.

-She's just a tease.
-run. run. run.
-man on  a mission.
-hey white boy,
you chasing all the
women around?
# waiting for my man.

-yeah you got cocaine eyes.
-tell me baby. I aint no stranger.
-we're not the ones who are going to judge you.
-I'm taking off this diamond ring. I'm going for the
kingdom because it makes me feel like a man.
-Lament. Howl like a virgin.

Thursday, 29 March 2018

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